I don't have anyone else to talk to, not that it matters much or that anyone should care, since I'm barely able to dust up an ounce of remorse.
My mather died apparently around the 12th of october, alone and of what I'm not sure of yet. A bolice officer emailed me asking me to phone him. Me being suspicious of any bolice contact, I opted to continue corresponding over email in case I had been caught in Canada with tax fraud, indecent material, something or anything.
So I'm on the other side of the world, and I feel annoyed I have to return (bolice said I didn't) to clear her estate, rehouse her kot, finalise anything to do with her death, etc and then sell some shit of my own I left at her place.
I didn't think she'd die so young. Her age is unknown to me, same with my father. I haven't spoken to her in years. She wasn't a good mother in the last ten years of her life due to the trauma and abuse that birthed her mental illnesses. The last time she contacted me was to make me feel guilty over leaving her, but she was killing me like a caged bird. I know some of you will spit at me, and rightfully so, because I am a rather disgusting person, but the last time she contacted me, I told her to hurry and and die or I'll strangle her myself if I ever return to Canada. I was insane at that moment, completely unhinged from smoking weed and being knee deep in a six month long giardia infection that was making me psychotic. The worms and drugs aren't a good excuse and now that she's dead, I guess I'm glad she is. She lived a really substandard life of horrors and abuse thanks to my father and her disappointing son, and only to die alone in a foreign country didn't seem right especially as a woman and a mother, but that's just how partial and uncaring life can be.
When a newfie told me we're only a garage sale at the end of our lives, well I guess I'll experience it eventually and since I only have my estranged father left, I'm one step closer to being totally alone in the world and that's what haunts me the most.