I'm starting to reach a point where I'm becoming overly attached to my gf.
Every time she doesn't call me I feel bad and as if I have done something wrong, even though she regularly calls almost every day and we even celebrated valentine's together.
I've started to getting used to her being around, and I am not sure that this is a very good thing for me. When she's with me I couldn't care less about anything other than that, I feel like I could spend my entire life with her, and when she's not with me I keep getting stupid thoughts in my head, like maybe she has realized that I'm not worth her time anymore because I am on my ass and I have nothing to contribute to in a relationship.
It's a bittersweet feeling when she doesn't call, because I get really anxious about phone calls from anyone so my first instinct is getting anxious about it, even though I like talking to her and stuff, I still get anxious, so as emotionally cold as it may sound, I can't get used to actually doing it. Then she doesn't call, and that's fine, but my mind wanders about many different things like how much I love her and how I feel like she's been the best thing that happened to me, I guess you could say that you start to realize just how much you like a person when she isn't there. I just want to give her my all, I want to impress her in every way imaginable, I want her to remember me and feel the way I feel about her as she would feel with me.
I just want things between us to work out, I keep imagining scenarios in my head where it could go wrong all of the time and these scenarios come from the fact that I feel as if, when things go too well, if I am too happy, if things are much better than they were in the past, that there's bound to be something bad happening eventually. I'm fucked, I have trust issues and it ruins me. I'm some sort of damaged human being that can only focus on bad things in my life, because it sucked in the past for me for so long, now I don't expect anything other than bad things. I just hope that this works out for me, it has to work out because if it doesn't then I don't think I'll be getting another gf ever again.
She makes me feel like a million dollars even as a Bernd, she always finds ways to make me happy, she legitimately cares about me and who I am, and this is a feeling that means so much to me that I can't even begin to describe it. All of those positive things she says about me, they're so nice to the point of me not being able to believe some of it.
She's all I've ever needed in my life, but I can't be the person she needs because of the state of my life. I really don't get why she would want to choose someone like me, I'm stupid, I'm bad at social events, I'm not that good looking, I'm average in height, it's just like, the things she sees in me are things she has fabricated in her mind based on how I look. The truth of the matter is that I am a completely shit person at my very core, if people's personalities had anything to do with how they looked, then I would be extremely ugly, and she wouldn't want to be with me. But because I am somewhat not ugly, she forms some fictional idea of the person that I could be, instead of who I actually am.
This is the only rational way for someone to really, actually, choose someone like me. Things at first went very fast, she was very physical with me, she had no clue what type of person I was at that time and still am to this day, a rotten person. She's giving attention and love, effort, into a lost cause. I sometimes feel like she felt bad about me and this is why she keeps me around, but then, if it had been that, then she wouldn't have been as physical during the initial point towards me.
It's so complicated, I don't know if I am in love or not, but I definitely feel like I need her in my life to make me into something better because she has that ability, she influences me a lot, I think she influences me more than I influence her with my kc tier subjects.
She's definitely much smarter than me, too, so there's also that. I'm starting to feel a longing for her, I've never felt exactly this before in my life, to want someone else to be near you, caring about someone deeply, it's all new to me and I'm trying hard to cope but it's difficult. If I'm not in love, then I am definitely experiencing love in some way, if that can be said.